Well, here it is. The day that I knew would come along, but the day I so desperately didn’t want. After feeling so good for so long, I knew I had to have one of ‘those’ days soon! So, to be as true to myself as possible, and as true to this blog and journey, here I am blogging on my kitchen bench, in my PJs at 9.45am after having a shitty morning. By ‘shitty’ I mean, anxious, nervous, tired and an overwhelming feeling of general shittiness! Call it Depression if you will. The Black Dog raised its head… actually, it’s not fully raised, its maybe lifting one ear in anticipation. I’ll throw the dog a bone so it stays lying down hey! Here’s the bone…
Sleep is such a big part of this for me. Motherhood pretty much equals sleep deprivation. Yes it does – don’t pretend it doesn’t. Don’t be one of those parents that says ‘oh no, my angel sleeps all the time, whenever I want!’ Good for you! Keep on telling yourself that! Ha! Can you sense my resentment! No!!
I was never great with sleep before I had Archer. I loved it, don’t get me wrong, but geez if I didn’t’ get enough – it was painful for the world around me! I have always needed a lot of sleep. I was assured this would all change when that ‘motherhood switch’ flicked inside me! Nope. It didn’t. I still needed a lot of sleep. Maybe more in the beginning because my body up and shut down on me, but sleep never came. For a long time. 2 years really. I feel like I’ve only just started getting the sleep I’ve needed. That’s ok. I managed, I coped, but it all had to end one day.
Now that I’m getting genuine sleep, I’ve realized how much more I need. It’s like a drug that I’m addicted to! The more I have, the more I want! But when I peel it all back, I whole heartedly know that the sleep I’m getting and needed now in my life, is to just re-center me again. To give me back my buzz. And if I have a few sleepless nights (the last few!) then I’m surely going to pay for it – like right now!
What do I know right now? This:
– Mega late nights aren’t great for me at this point in my journey
– Alcohol isn’t great for me either, it goes hand in hand with late nights!
– Forgetting to take Fish Oil tablets – they really are THAT good for mental health!
– Hayfever isn’t great – who’s got the cure for that one?
– Dirty Food (opposite of clean food that I’m loving so much!) isn’t great for me
– Hormones – well they can just scoot right out of the door they came in! And you can take the menstrual cycle with you!
– Not exercising – a vicious cycle, when you’re tired, you don’t want to exercise, but if you don’t exercise you feel down! Ugh!
Add all this up, and you get ‘those days’.
So, what to do about it then. I figure I have two choices:
– Wrap myself up in a blanket, go to bed, let the world slide by and hope that when I wake it all goes away.
– Go and see my baker.
Now, option 1 – I’ve done that before. Many times. It’s great, don’t get me wrong. Especially if you’re addicted to sleep like me! But, the trick about this enticing option is that when you do wake up. Nothing has changed. It’s all still there. Option 2 is the ONLY option.
Go and see my baker.
What’s bread got to do with this? A lot. My marvelous shrink (he’ll love that I’m quoting this one!!) told me this brilliant philosophy. See, I was asking him what I should do when I have ‘those days’. Because I’ve always known they’d come again, not as fierce as before, but they’d be there. And he said ‘Simple Lindsay, you just go get your bread from the bakery’. I looked just as puzzled as you are.
It’s simple though. If you’re walking down the street, and you want bread, the first shop you go into is the Fruit shop. You ask for a loaf of bread and they look at you and say with a smirk, ‘we don’t have that in here’. You walk away feeling deflated and embarrassed. You keep walking. You go into the video store. You ask for a loaf of bread, toast slice wholegrain. They break out in fits of laughter and don’t even give you the courtesy of conversation, they just point you right out the door. So you leave, feeling shattered and anxious that you may not get your bread. You keep walking down the street. You find the bakery. You walk in and before you can open your mouth, you are greeted with a huge smile, and the smell is amazing. You ask for a loaf of wholegrain, toast slice. You’re hesitant but that’s soon washed away as the baker says ‘Of Course, and today with that you get a free finger bun – would you like me to wrap it all up for you?’. You leave with your loaf of fresh, hot bread and your free finger bun. You are smiling from ear to ear and you feel settled, appreciated, calm and ready to face the street again. You found your baker.
When I’m feeling ‘general shittiness’ I just need to find my baker, talk to them about how I’m feeling. I know that it will be ok because they know what I need. They know I need bread. They know that’s why I’m there. They know how to listen, what to say, how to make me feel like I can walk the street again.
I love my friends that are fruit shops, they give me the best fruit I’ve ever tasted. I love my friends that are video stores, they provide me with the best movies of all time. But at this point, today, I need my baker, to just listen and let me know it’s all good. They’ll tell me that ‘Those days’ are gone now and that I can look forward to ‘these days’ again.
Find your baker. Ask them to listen. You know who they are and we couldn’t get by without them. Once you’ve finished with your baker, the world will look different, it will feel better and you’ll want to embrace it again instead of hiding from it. I found my baker and I feel so much better right now for doing so.
These days are my days – Lindsay
PS – And there’s just no end to the wonderful feeling that a new lipstick and a new nail colour can do for a girl! Mmmm hmmm!