I’ve been sitting staring at this blank document for about 2 weeks now, wanting to write so many things but not knowing where at all, to start.
Weird for a blogger I know! I should have lots to write about. And, as a matter of fact I do, I have about 15 blogs written in my head, but that’s where they sit. Just in my head. It’s taken me a long time to even start this one and there’s a bloody good reason why.
I’ll take you back a few weeks to a conversation I had with my husband. I asked him how he thought I’d be going along, just generally asking him how I was. It’s a weird question, but it’s a question I used to ask him all the time. When I had my meltdown, and didn’t know which way was up, I used to ask him this. He would tell me the truth. Of which I expected from him. But it was good to know he would always tell me the truth. “Linz, I think you need to rest again!” or “Linz you need to take a break” or “Linz I don’t know how to help in this moment you need to ask someone else”. I needed to ask these things because I felt like I’d lost the ability to judge my own emotions and reactions. I needed him to look out for me and pull me up when I needed it. That’s a pretty horrible feeling, not knowing how to judge your own emotions. Feeling one way and thinking you are projecting something totally different into the world.
As the months have gone on, and I’ve continued to ask him how I’m going. The responses have started to change. “Yeah I think you’re doing alright” or “Yeah I haven’t seen you this excited about something” or “This is great, you are doing so well”. I could start to read my own emotions again, and I could start to predict what he was going to say to me. Things started to feel good again, and I started to feel back in control of who I was. When I asked my husband how I was going only a few weeks ago. I already knew his response. I not only knew it, I whole heartedly felt it right through me. I just wanted to hear it from him.
“Az, how have I been going lately?”
“Linz – I can’t even begin to tell you… “
And he didn’t have to. I already knew. I was smashing it. I was back to feeling the best I could feel. I knew this. I felt this and I loved it. It was also great to hear it from him. Affirmation of my own thoughts, bounced back from the person I love the most.
So, for the last few weeks, I’ve felt incredible good. Not over the top giddy with excitement good, but – and here’s the important part, not down in the dumps depressed with sadness either. Normal you might say? Well, it’s not the normal that I used to know (cue Gotye’s song ‘Somebody that I used to know!) It’s my new normal. And I love it.
I feel like I’ve just bought a one of a kind, beautifully hand crafted, stunning new coat. I love coats. I love the idea of being hugged by a garment. I love what wearing a coat represents – snow, cold, indoor fires, hot coffee, London taverns ( I could go on for miles here!) Back to the point – this new coat fits me perfectly. It’s better than my older coats. It has awesome pockets that are deep with treasures. I love this new coat. This is my new normal.
I have worked bloody hard to get here too. This hasn’t just been an easy road. Sure, see a psychologist, start yoga, get better sleep, these important things have helped. But there’s been a lot more too. Have difficult conversations. Know what you want. Have dreams again. Eat right. Exercise. Talk. Talk. Talk. Write and then talk some more.
The thing is, I went through depression for a long time after the birth of our son. I didn’t know it was depression until it pretty much knocked me to the floor. Once I stopped to actually listen, deeply to what was going on, I realized there was only one way up and out of it. And there was only one person who could do it. Me.
And I’m here. Standing on the top of that wasted old shitty, messed up coat that I used to wear, with my new, perfectly fitted, stunningly beautiful coat. My head is up, my shoulders are relaxed and… for visualization sakes, I’m wearing killer heels!! Ha! The point is. I’m here, with my new normal and I’m never going back.
My psychologist doesn’t want to see me anymore. He said he’s done with me! A strangely rewarding feeling, listening to him say that he’s so incredibly proud of the effort I’ve put into my own life and how I’ve now become my own psychologist. Ripper! Hope I get the pay cheque to boot!! He said that he couldn’t have ever fabricated the things that have happened in the last few months, and that all the things we’d talked about in our sessions, I was able to apply to my own life. Proof that in my shiny new coat, in the deep pockets, I do have the treasures and tools to cope with this thing we call life. And I am proud of who I am. I will wear my badge of honor with pride, these last few years have taught me so much about who I am, who I want to be, and everything in between. I am glad for my experiences. I am glad I’ve hit rock bottom so I know how to never be back there again.
So when people ask me how I’m going, I love to reply ‘Great thanks’ and not in the general manner (even though that may have been how they were asking me). I know that my ‘great thanks’ actually means – yeah, I’ve been through some shit, worked it out, changed some things and here I am, better than ever’. I love being asked ‘how are you?’ Because each time someone asks me, I know I can play that over in my head and have a little smile to myself. Pat myself on the old’ back and say yep, I did this. I beat this. And I dare you to throw something else at me!!
So this brings me back to my initial dilemma – blog writing. What the heck am I going to write about now!!
I guess I’ll just hit up life. It’s pretty bloody interesting and I pretty much love it so I’ll just get writing about life. My life. My days…
These Days are My Days and I’m smiling away right now!
PS: I’m seeing Gotye live this weekend with a dear, dear friend of mine… just giving you the heads up there’ll probably be a ripping post on that! x
Yeah baby- you’re a superstar!!!! Love you to the moon! Bring on Saturday!! Wooooooop! xox
Actually I think I love you more! So there. Ha! What more does a girl need on a weekend… pedi’s, food, wine, live music and beautiful, beautiful friends! Sign me up! x
That beautiful new coat really suits you gorgeous girl 😊
Big love and hugs, Suzanne xx
Biggest of big hugs back to you and your boys. Must Skype one day soon! Much love xxx (ps maybe you have a really wonderful tailor in your new home town that could actually make me that coat… for real!!) hehe! xx
I have just read ur blog and I am sitting here with tears of happiness in my eyes. I am so happy that u r in a better place and r back to the girl who loves life.
U r inspiring and have every right to b super proud of urself. I’m proud of u too!
Keep smiling hunny!
Sending u lots of love and happiness!
Luv Bug! xxxx
Thank you for your beautifully kind words – means the world! xx
You are such an amazing wife and mum and your two boys are truly proud of what you have done. If everyone had your courage bub the world would be a better place. Love you more than front row seats at Stamford Bridge, more than 9m of fresh Japanese pow pow and more than 6 weeks hanging out on any Russian train xxx
Love this!!! Love you!! Lets’ do that train ride through Russia again! POT NOODLE!!!
How did I not know you had a blog! Linz I have read your blog from back to front I have cried, laughed and suffered anxiety (what will people have to say at my 80th ahhh). I really relate to the depression, guilt and anxiety. You are inspiring and I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your journey P.S I really want to try Yoga now…
Thank YOU so much for reading my blog! I’m very humbled by your words, they mean a lot! It’s nice to be able to re-connect with so many lovely people in my life through this and it’s amazing how many of us share similar journeys! Much love xx linz
Pingback: These Days It’s Nice To Know We’re Not Alone | These Days