Well, I’m still glowing in the post-blog launch. I don’t think I realized how much my blog would make people stop and talk. Not even just about depression. Just about life. How hard it can be. How challenging and simultaneously rewarding it is. The best part for me is having these conversations (and actually some are just one way emails that I’ve not yet had the time to reply to! Sorry!) But, the fact that people are willing to open up and discuss ‘yeah – it is hard’ and ‘hey, I’m not ok!’ – this is all reassuring to me.
I spent the weekend staying with my older brother and his wife, and my younger brother came along for the ride too. This was just what the doctor ordered. It re-centered me in many ways. It was my Blueberry.
I began the weekend with a train ride up to Melbourne. This in itself seems un-exciting and irrelevant. But it’s huge for me. During the past 2 years, leaving the house on my own was a struggle. I was fearful of leaving. Not quite agoraphobic, but consumed with anxiety. Part of my recovery is to challenge these feelings in a safe way. So, a train ride up to Melbourne, for a solo walk around the city, experimenting with my cameras was just what I not only needed to do, but really wanted to do.
You should have seen me. Walking around with the biggest grin on my face. The Melbourne urbanites would’ve thought surely I was starting the party just a little early! But just the pure joy of being ‘amongst it’ again, it bought back memories of living in London for me, but it was different. I’m different now. I have a sense of confidence that I knew lived inside me, but was being suffocated by the black dog of depression.
After spending hours just exploring the laneways of Melbourne, camera at the ready, channeling my inner tourist, I met my sister for a hot chocolate at Koko Black. Seriously. They should be illegal they are THAT good! But what was just as sweet as the chocolate, the fact that for the first time in 5 years, my sister in law and I spent hours just talking about life. We had the chance to bare it all and just chat. It was brilliant and just what I needed. My SIL shared a story she lives by. It’s about Blueberries. She remembers when she’s had tough times in her life she has wanted to do something for herself to make her feel better. She makes a conscious choice of doing the ‘little’ things. So she always goes to the fruit shop and buys Blueberries. She doesn’t care how much they cost. She doesn’t care that you don’t get a lot in the punnet. She cares for nothing other than the pure indulgence of the berries that she loves so much. It’s all about the Blueberries.
We spent the rest of the day exploring more of Melbourne, then meeting up with my brothers and some other friends we enjoyed some divine Indian, some drinks and then a long, well needed sleep. I didn’t budge until lunch time the next day. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve done that. Seriously. I cannot remember. But it was good. And I’d do it all again!
The overriding best part of the weekend was coming home to see my son. It was like he’d changed over night. He was saying a few new words (‘exactly’, ‘fantastic’ and ‘perfect’ to be precise!) but he looked more grown up. Like he was wiser. He looked like he knew that I just needed that night away and he was ok with that. That’s the thing about this ridiculous guilt us mothers put upon ourselves. We’re our own worst enemies. Our children are going to be completely ok if we leave them for a bit. I have struggled with this issue a lot, so for me to ‘go and get my Blueberries’ every now and then, makes me a better mum. Archer deserves that. My husband deserves that and I bloody well deserve that. I love Blueberries. It’s all about the Blueberries. You owe it to yourself, go out there and get your Blueberries.
What are your Blueberries?
These days are my days – and I had a cracking weekend! Love Lindsay