These days turned out nothing like I planned…
But I guess that’s the biggest lesson I’m learning right now… that letting go of control, of the ‘plan’, is what makes us human.
I’m Lindsay. I’m in my thirties. I’m a Mother. I’m a wife. I’m a Daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a teacher. I have depression. I’m Human… but what does all that really mean?
I remember the end of year 12, everyone was saying how exciting it was, the next phase of my life was about to begin. But I had no idea what that next phase was, I couldn’t even decide what to wear in the morning let alone decide what I was going to do with the rest of my life! I remember filling out the university forms thinking ‘which degree will allow me to see the world”… teaching… fill out teaching! So I did…
University, part time jobs, parties, friends, romance, love, heartache, laughter, safety, music, certainty and uncertainty. It all ends pretty quickly and I land a wonderful job, as a teacher, in rural town in Victoria, Australia. I did it. I knew what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Did I?
Once I started teaching, I realized pretty quickly that I really needed to listen to myself and just travel the world. That’s why I’d chosen Teaching in the first place. So, I set the plans in motion to travel the world. Found myself a lovely boyfriend who was willing to come along for the ride! We soon fell in love and we sorted out our lives, passports, degrees and plane tickets – London bound.
I could continue to ramble about the constant planning and control of my wonderful life, and maybe I’ll share stories of my travels later, but my life was always so well planned. Plan for it, do it. My life was simple. I planned for it and I did it. It worked. It always had. As far as I knew, it always would. I used to look at other peoples’ lives and think ‘just don’t make bad decisions – plan for it!’ Plan… plan…plan…
Life can’t be planned for completely. New life can’t be planned. It’s already set. It’s been decided. Archer’s life was already mapped out. This was a plan I had no knowledge of. This was a plan I didn’t write. I couldn’t control. I had no way of knowing… and it’s the one plan in my life that has taught me more about who I am, what I stand for and what it means to be human than any thing else I’ve ever done.
Archer Ted Gardiner was born on August 30th 2010. He came into this world knowing more about life than I ever imagined. He has taught me truth. What being true to yourself really means.
This life, well it’s slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned
Control well it’s slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned
(Powderfinger, ‘These Days” EMI Music Publishing)
These days are my days… Lindsay.
These Days 
Darling girl I did not expect my day to start with tears over my morning coffee but that is what reading you made happen. Some of my tears were for your pain but most of them were tears of pride in your brave and beautifully written blog. There is no failure in any of this for you, just growth. Embrace these days. Much love always . . S.
Hello my darling Auntie! Thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot. Your words of support and encouragement also, mean a lot. I’m glad you felt pride reading this, more than sadness, as i’m feeling pride in this too. I have spoken with my gorgeous cousin, and asked her to write me something about her Tough Mudder experience, because I look at her efforts and am blown away. How amazing is she!! I don’t have to tell you that though, do I? Hope you are all well, sending all our love to you, and letting you know we are planning our Vietnam Adventure as we speak! Much Love xx